When 1989 first got here out in 2014, I used to be deep in my self-hatred period. I attended a personal, Catholic faculty in Des Moines, Iowa the place sexuality was seldom talked about in a optimistic mild. Faith lessons usually promoted disgrace, particularly round sexual freedom or queer identification, and different college students took up that torch, able to burn somebody at a second’s discover.
At that time, I knew I used to be homosexual. I had informed just a few mates, however I didn’t need the remainder of the scholar physique to catch on. I lived my life scared, nervous about what may occur to me ought to I come out on a bigger scale. Nobody might know this choir boy was truly, positively, 100 p.c queer. This trickled down into each a part of my being. I wouldn’t let my love of Glee be identified. I learn the “straight” books others learn. I traded in my Toms for sneakers. Any doable clue of my sexuality I discarded.
In the future, simply after 1989 got here out, on the finish of a faith class, just a few mates and I obtained on the subject of music. I, at that time, virtually solely listened to male-driven nation publicly (and showtunes within the privateness of my very own automobile). A buddy of mine, Hannah, talked about 1989, regarded me within the eyes, and mentioned that she thought I might like it. I ought to give it a pay attention.
Instantly, alarm bells went off in my head. Had my cowl been blown? Did she know? Was it that apparent? I brushed it off. I didn’t like Taylor Swift, I mentioned. Had she heard “We Are By no means Ever Getting Again Collectively?” (I like that music now). Hannah shrugged and we moved on. However then, because the album started to contaminate the radio, I began to rock out to each music I heard, and I spotted Hannah had been proper. I adored this album.
I listened in secret, wolfing down each phrase, and have become transfixed on one music, “Welcome to New York,” the place Taylor mentioned, “You may need who you need, boys and girls and boys and ladies.” The road each scared me and gave me hope. I dreamed of a world during which that may be my actuality, the place I might reside within the large metropolis, which I had simply visited on a choir journey, happy with who I used to be, as a substitute of ashamed.
Me on my 2014 NYC choir journey.
Me in current day, working in NYC.
I got here out publicly on a supposedly confidential retreat later within the 12 months. The sleep deprivation and emotional vulnerability of the retreat gave me a false sense of security. After all, that information unfold all through the entire faculty. It had its challenges, however I powered by way of. Over the following summer season, I started to play 1989 in my automobile with my mates. It slowly turned the soundtrack to acceptance. Every drive down the freeway with our home windows down turned an increasing number of free. The wind flew by way of my hair, washing away the woes of tomorrow and inhaling hope for a brighter, extra loving future.
Now, with the discharge of 1989 (Taylor’s Model) 9 years later, I’ve been swimming in swimming pools of nostalgia. I’ve realized as I started to simply accept my love of 1989, I additionally started to like myself. I turned infatuated with the queer pleasure miles and miles away within the metropolis of goals, and I turned transfixed on the tantalizing pop beats. I longed for somebody to bop to “This Love” with and fantasized of an enemy valiant sufficient to warrant a “Unhealthy Blood” second. In her album notes for her re-recording, Taylor says, “This second is a mirrored image of the woods we’ve wandered by way of and all this love between us nonetheless glowing within the darkest darkish.” This previous weekend, that has rung true.
In some ways, I need to suppose I really feel like Taylor should have when she initially launched this album in 2014. She was 24, roughly the identical age I’m now. Via deep reflection on her previous, she was in a position to reinvent herself, and it propelled her to new, difficult heights. The world was gobsmacked when she introduced she was diving totally into the pop style, however however she created a bob-wearing, pop-parading, and seagull-loving future that defied expectations.
Now, I get to do the identical (sans bob) and embrace the chaos of being a 25-year-old in New York Metropolis. I get to look again at the place I used to be in 2014 and consider how far I’ve come, how a lot I’ve discovered, and create a brand new future. Gone is the longing; now I can reside these songs to their absolute fullest and embrace this album for what it’s from the beginning: a daring declaration to be confidently and unabashedly your self.
I’m residing in metropolis of 1989 (Taylor’s Model), New York Metropolis, as a proud, out homosexual man. I’m experiencing wistful longing and all-encompassing heartbreak. I’m studying to scrub off anxieties and let in some chaos. I’m in a position to shake off this disgrace I as soon as felt round intercourse. I’m embracing four A.M. nights out and cherishing quiet time spent alone. For the primary time for the reason that album was launched in 2014, I’m in a position to embrace each facet of me. This weekend felt like victory lap round progress and progress.
That’s the magic of Taylor Swift’s re-recordings. They permit us to guage two separate factors in our lives and discover the invisible strings tying them collectively. We’ve a possibility to mirror on the place we had been approach again when, and have fun who we are actually. And, if we’re fortunate, we might dance to this beat forevermore.
Samuel is the Assistant to the Editor-in-Chief at ELLE Journal. His pursuits embody music, theater, books, video video games, and something to do with Taylor Swift. He famously broke each his arms on the identical time in fourth grade.
